Yikes McGee’s Theory of Infinite Trees

  The nerdy speaker paused and ran his hand through his heavily gelled hair. A pompous smirk pulled at the edge of his lip, and he took the time to look across the entire ballroom before completing his sentence. 

  “...and that is how I know there aren’t just the trees that we can see. There are, in fact, infinite trees.” 

  As a woman of science, Sandra had never been so angry in her life, not just at the inane words of Yikes McGee, the keynote speaker, but at the fact that many people in the room cheered his idiotic theory. She slapped her hands against the table and stood, no longer caring if her colleagues and peers thought her rude. She couldn’t spend one more second listening to this fraud. 

  She slammed the exit door open, thankful to be out in the open air. Despite its spacious capacity, the ballroom felt stifling, and she wanted to be away from it and the convention center. The block heels of her pumps scraped against the concrete as she walked toward the edge of the property. Frustration bubbled up inside of her, and she stopped and sighed, forcing herself to face some hard facts. It wasn’t just that idiot Yikes McGee that had her feeling upset. The entire Denver Science Conference had brought up things she’d been avoiding. Chief among them, the fact that she no longer felt like she connected with the scientific community at large. She’d dreamed of life in a lab, doing important work, but the longer she spent in the sterile laboratory, the more she yearned for something else. If only she could figure out what that something else was, then maybe she could commit to a new direction. 

  A gust of wind blew several leaves off a nearby tree and she watched them as they soared. They looked so carefree, just drifting wherever the wind carried them. The beautiful moment was soured as she focused on the tree. According to Yikes McGee’s Theory of Infinite Trees, the existence of this one tree indicated the existence of more trees all around it. Crouching, she tilted her head and stared, trying to imagine how stupid someone would have to be to actually buy into such an idiotic theory. It was clear that there was only a single tree. 

  “My my. You see it, don’t you?” 

  Sandra’s heart leaped inside her chest, and she whipped her head around, surprised by the stranger’s voice. The shock rapidly morphed to annoyance as she saw who it was. She stood.

  “Keynote over already?” she asked before adding under her breath, “bet they booed you off the stage.” 

  Yikes McGee smiled at her. It was clear from his demeanor that he had no clue of how much of a nerd he was. He stepped closer. 

  “You always wanna get out while you’re ahead,” he said. “I could’ve gone another fifty minutes talking about phytoplankton, but why waste my words when I already won their adoration with my theory.” 

  He paused and dug a fistful of mints out of his pocket, then looked at her sheepishly. 

  “You don’t mind, do you? It’s a nasty little habit I picked up while working on a groundbreaking psionics project for the Canadian government.” 

  Sandra wasn’t positive what he was even asking her, but she shrugged anyway. 

  “I don’t mind.” 

  She should’ve said she minded. Yikes McGee unwrapped twenty-three mints, then shoved them all into his mouth. Instead of sucking on them, he started chomping wildly. Pieces of mint tumbled out, and he made disgusting mouth breathing sounds as he feasted on the few mints that he managed to keep contained. It took almost three minutes for him to finish eating them, at which point he pointed to the nearby tree. 

  “You see the infinite trees out there?” 

  Sandra didn’t have the patience to play to the man’s ego. She put her hands on her hips and turned to face him. 

  “Your theory is dumb, Yikes. There’s only one tree here.” 

  He frowned and shook his head. 

  “A skeptic, huh?” he asked, leaning closer to read her convention nametag. “Sandra, as a woman of science, I hoped for more out of you.” 

  “Is that your game? You belittle anyone who doesn’t buy into your theory?” 

  He stared at her for a long moment, then turned to face the tree. 

  “You’re missing the truest beauty of them all, Sandra. All because you refuse to believe.” 

  She stomped forward. 

  “I believe in what I can see and prove.” 

  He shook his head. 

  “I look in your eyes and I'm not convinced. You’re not someone willing to do what it takes to find the truth.” 

  Now she was good and mad, and despite her commitment to a life of peace and scientific discovery, she really wanted to bop the little man on the side of the head. Seeming to sense her anger, Yikes held up his hands. 

  “Prove me wrong,” he said. “Go to Rocky Mountain National Park and hike the DeNouta trail. At the second juncture, walk a hundred paces into the woods. You’ll come across a clearing with a single, massive Douglas Fir in the center. Climb to the top of that tree, and you’ll see what you’ve been missing. You’ll see the infinite trees.” 

  Unsure of how else to respond, Sandra scoffed loudly. 

  “Rocky Mountain National Park is forty minutes away,” she said. 

  “Too far to go for the truth?” Yikes asked. 

  The smugness in his voice made her want to pick him up and shake him. She could feel her cheeks flushing red as she glared at him. 

  “Tell you what,” Yikes said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a car key. “I’ll drive you.” 

  She wanted to scream and run the other direction, but her pride wouldn’t allow it. Instead, she growled her response. 

  “Fine.” 

  The drive to Rocky Mountain National Park was filled with Yikes telling her about the wonders of phytoplankton. The second they arrived at the DeNouta trailhead, Sandra tore open the car door and started speed walking down the path. She wasn’t even sure she remembered the directions to the clearing, but all that mattered was getting as far from Yikes McGee as possible. Of course, the little man couldn’t stand to be left behind, and instead of waiting in the car, he jogged after her. Once he caught his breath, he continued yammering on about phytoplankton, now telling her that when they became too nutrient-rich, they could grow out of control and form harmful algal blooms. She gritted her teeth and sped up, but Yikes’ ability to talk was endless, and he followed right on her heels, talking the entire way. 

  When they finally reached the clearing, she didn’t have to ask if this was the tree he’d mentioned. The lone Douglas Fir stood strong and proud, easily 150 feet tall. 

  “Up you go,” Yikes said, pointing at the tree.

  Hoping that Yikes wouldn’t follow, she climbed. But as soon as she was clear of the early branches, he jumped up and gripped them, then started his own ascent. 

  Nearing the top, Sandra became aware of the swaying of the mighty tree. The views of the majestic national park were breathtaking, but so was the view of the ground that now looked a little too distant for her liking. Yikes climbed past her. 

  “Giving up? You’ve come this far,” he said. 

  Unwilling to yield to this little freak, she climbed up after him. Her stomach flipped each time the tree swayed, and her muscles ached from how hard she clung to the branches. Mercifully, Yikes stopped climbing well short of the top, and after pulling herself alongside him, so did she. 

  “Now look to the west,” Yikes said. “My theory states that where there is one tree, there are infinite trees. And sure enough, right next to us is another towering Douglas Fir, every bit as stout and impressive as this one.” 

  Looking to the west, Sandra saw nothing but the empty clearing and the massive Rocky Mountains beyond. 

  “I’m afraid your theory is officially debunked.” 

  Yikes clicked his tongue. 

  “Still an unbeliever, huh? Are you sure you don’t see it? It’s larger in diameter than the tree we’re in, with a fullness of branches and leaves all the way down. It’s right there, practically touching this tree.” 

  Wanting so badly to be done with this nonsense, Sandra leaned out slightly, staring directly at the empty space where this supposed tree was. 

  “I don’t see it,” she said. 

  “Maybe this will help,” Yikes said. 

  A second later she felt his hands on her, a powerful shove that broke her grip and sent her plummeting. Too shocked to scream, her eyes went wide as she fell. Rage filled her. Rage at this stupid little man, and at herself, for ever turning her back on him.     

  “Grab the branches of the invisible tree!” Yikes yelled from above. 

  Despite her reservations, despite her rage, despite her intelligence, Sandra was buoyed by this one final hope. If the theory of infinite trees was real, then she could be saved. She flailed wildly with her arms, hands opening and closing, trying with all she was worth to grip one of the branches of the invisible tree. 

  “Another convert,” Yikes said with a smile as he watched her. 

  He winced when she splatted against the forest floor below, her head striking a rock and exploding in a mist of gore. Science was sometimes messy, but at least she’d seen the truth, in the end.