Dirty Dangler
Johnson Lo-Johnson “Lil’ Johnny” Jonbert beamed, prouder than he’d ever been in his entire life, as he stared at the bounty before him. Dirt. An entire truckbed of it. And every drop of it belonged to him.
“Where do you want us to dump it?” the driver asked.
Lil’ Johnny frowned. “Dump it” sounded like an uncivilized way to treat such a treasure. After taking a moment to sniff the air, he turned his head and leveled a squinty-eyed stare at the driver.
“You can UNLOAD it,...
Lord BC
Maximum Shred couldn’t wait any longer. He took a deep breath, then opened his eye the slightest bit, just enough to take a quick look around. Looming large above him was his creator. Maximum didn’t know the man’s name, but he knew that he owed his existence to him. He also knew that what they shared was highly uncommon. Art wasn’t supposed to come alive, at least not in the traditional sense. Yet here sat Maximum Shred, staring up at the man who drew him. For his part, the creator...
Daniel Spoonfingers
Jake wasn’t a man accustomed to begging, but it was all he had left to do.
“Please don’t do this. I’m pleading with you, Travis. Don’t do this to me.”
There was a pause, followed by a heavy sigh, before the man on the other end of the call responded.
“This isn’t me, Jake. It’s corporate. And their decision is final.”
“But why?” Jake whined.
“You’ve posted a loss five quarters in a row. Every other Soup or Swim location is raking in the profits, yet you can’t seem to...
The Heartland Wyld
Patches dashed forward, blade extended. The wind whistled as the sharpened edge cut through the air, giving off a ringing tone that sang of distant lands and unseen wonders. Just as it reached its intended target, there was an explosion of smoke, and the blade found nothing, slicing harmlessly through the smoke. A deep growl rumbled in Patches’ chest. He adjusted his stance, using his tail to balance as he sniffed the air for any sign of his prey.
“I thought they said you...
Putrid Pete
Shailene balled up her fists. She could feel her cheeks reddening as she stared at her husband.
“Tell me you did not do this,” she hissed.
“Oh I did it,” Drake said. “That girl thinks she’s ready to date? We’ll let her see how bad dating can be.”
He turned toward the stairs and yelled.
“Melissa, I told you to get dressed and get down here and I meant it!”
“I’m putting on my shoes, dad!” Missy yelled back.
Shailene grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him around.
“Explain...
Bloody Quentin
Lance was already dripping sweat and breathing heavily. It was a poor sign, as the hard work hadn’t even started. He slowed, eyes scanning the dark cemetery. On his two late-night visits scouting the place, this area stood out to him. Space sold for a premium in this upscale cemetery, and the graves were practically stacked on top of one another. Yet here stood a bizarre patch of empty ground, right in the heart of the place. It was perfect.
He stopped and dropped the handle...
The Dominion Engine and his Pinion Minions
“Yup, that’s your problem right there,” the mechanic said, staring at the engine.
Gabriel leaned closer, trying to see whatever this man had seen.
“You picked up a five-spur miscalibration in your sub-distributor cap that’s spread a lot of ashen crustings into your fuel efficacy bearings,” the mechanic said, pointing. “You see it?”
Even when squinting, all Gabriel saw was the same old engine that had kept his car going strong for the last six...
The Immaterial Man
Wilbur was in his mid-twenties when he first noticed the missing parts of himself. They were subtle and hidden, leaving him to wonder how long they’d been gone. By his thirties, the missing parts were more difficult to hide. The disappearance of his right arm drew questions from those close to him. Wilbur told them not to make a big deal of it, and when anyone pressed too hard, he’d either blow up on them or simply cut them out of his life. Not being bothered was his only...
Hunger Killer
Neal started to get out of the car, but paused when he realized his wife wasn’t moving.
“What is it?” he asked. “Don’t tell me-”
“I’m just not sure, okay?” Brittany shouted.
Neal sighed and slammed the car door. They were sitting outside of Gramma’s Cookhouse, one of their go-to restaurants.
“You’ve been talking about eating here all day,” Neal said, not trying to mask his frustration.
“And now I’m saying I’m not sure, Neal!”
It was the great pain point of their marriage....
Punctuality Pal
General Bob Bitwill groaned and grumbled under his breath as he was pulled from sleep. The screeching SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT of his alarm clock was set at an inhumane volume. Even so, he had some vague recollection of hearing that sound for a long time. He grabbed his phone from the nightstand and checked the time. It was 10:13 am. The alarm had been going off since 9 am, and his very important meeting at the Pentagon had...
Ug-roll
Ug stood at the top of the hill. He grunted as he stared at his incredible invention. Stone wheels were the latest craze amongst the tribe. Even now, Ug could hear the others hammering away with their stone chisels, shaping more of the rocks into the newly discovered circular shape. He peered down upon them, scratching his thick, unkempt beard as he watched their pathetic efforts. The few who crafted a stone wheel had no idea what to use it for. Bu tried to stand on one of the wheels,...
Son of Lightning
The Appalachian Trail sucked. Dan didn’t know much in life, but he knew that. It was nothing like all the YouTube videos made it seem. Trail magic? More like trail misery. Every day was a series of mishaps, sore muscles, bug bites, and regret. But he couldn’t turn back. His wife would never forgive him for disappearing in the middle of the night. She wasn’t a bad woman, but Dan simply couldn’t stand staying in that house with her for one more second. He was the problem. The...
Speed Demon
“And you’re sure you can help me win?” Gene asked.
The smoky form in the corner of the garage shifted, and Gene caught a flash of its angry red eyes.
“You ever hear of a speed demon? You think someone just made that up?” it asked, its voice a low rumble that sent a shock of pain through Gene’s ears.
The smoky form had been with him for a while. Ever since the… the thing he didn’t talk about. For months, it just hung out in dark corners around his house, an unsettling but...
Negotiator Colby
It was difficult to remain calm with a gun pressed against your head. This was the unfortunate truth that Amy was learning. The past three months as a bank manager in the big city had seemed like a dream come true. Not only was it allowing her to afford the lavish lifestyle she’d spent years longing for, but it also lifted her to a new social level. Suddenly, the wealthy men she’d been unable to meet as a waitress or a retail store manager were asking her out, inviting her to...
Wheelhead
After a long day at work, there was always one thing that could lift Matt’s spirits. Speed. As he raced down the dark highway, the stress and frustration melted away. By the time the speedometer hit 100, he’d forgotten about his irrational boss, the rude customers, and the incompetent co-workers. All that existed now was him and the road.
And the oversized metal chain lying across the pavement up ahead.
He slammed on the brakes and swerved, but the front right tire hit the chain....
Skeyeballs
“Mitch, tell me you’re not actually considering this.”
There had been many times that Janice wondered why she’d married this man, but never more so than now. He turned toward her and scowled.
“We said we were going to cut loose on this vacation, Janice.”
“Getting experimental eye surgery in Costa Maya wasn’t what I meant and you know it,” she argued. “Besides, the cruise ship leaves in two hours! They don’t wait for passengers, Mitch, they’ll leave without us.”
The strange...
Danicka Whalebutton
Gary stared at the napkin, his heart pounding. For almost thirty minutes he’d sat and stared, unable to bring himself to call the number. He tried to convince himself that getting the number was enough. After almost a decade of being a shut-in, he’d made the decision to improve his life. He knew there was more out there for him, if only he was willing to go after it. But Gary was a fearful guy and prone to giving up on himself, so he started small. The first goal was to...
Peter Hooflittle
John licked his lips as he hovered just outside the casino sportsbook. He’d made a decision late last night, fueled by energy drinks and full of confidence. But now that he stood here, every penny to his name in his backpack, he found himself struggling to make the move. His throat was dry, and sweat drifted down from under his ballcap. He stared at the digital board above the sportsbook desk. There, emblazoned in bright color, was the bet that had seemed so brilliant to him...
Dr. Kubridoscevekianballastario
“I see your shape is um, how you say, very poor,” Dr. Kubridoscevekianballastario said, using his hands to pantomime a plump shape in the air.
Lindsey frowned. Even though her doctor was difficult to understand, she trusted and adored him. He’d been her doctor for almost two decades and had helped her through some difficult times.
“I know, Dr. Kubridoscevekianballastario. What if I started walking daily? Would that help?”
He frowned as he took a long look at...
Super Shovel
Alton stared at the television, only half registering what was on the screen. Like most nights, he couldn’t sleep. He remained unsure if his problem was physical or mental. Therapy hadn’t worked, nor had sleeping pills. Meditation, prayer, and counting sheep had all proven fruitless. His roommates got angry at him for watching TV all night, so he watched with the sound off. It was a home shopping network on the screen. They’d spent the last thirty minutes selling an expandable...