The Thing Outside
On the weekends I open my window. Hold. That is a lie, or at best, a half-truth. Why bother with this recording if I am going to lie? Allow me to start again.
On the weekends I open my blinds. Not fully, but enough that the light of the sun can reach me. Enough that I can glimpse the {outside} world. It distracts me from my work, and that is reason enough to never do it at all. But I am nothing but work. You could spell out my name using only the letters W O R K. And so I...
Babyprinters LLC
Was there a force stronger than curiosity? If it existed, Miriam had never encountered it. She was the opposite of adventurous. The two words that best described her were risk averse. But she’d walked past this nondescript storefront five hundred times, and every time she read the small letters on the door and she wondered. What does a company called Babyprinters do?
Online searches returned nothing. Whoever they were, they weren’t listed. Did they make miniature printers?...
Moonfellows
Rodney Phillips was a liar.
He knew this, and he didn’t care. Because his lie was for love. Not foolish enough to believe there was any nobility in lies, Rodney had lived with his lie long enough to at least deem it non-harmful. Without the lie, there was no lady, and he’d do whatever was necessary for the lady. Four decades later, and he still felt like a young man when he looked at her.
“What?” Marie asked, narrowing her eyes as she stared back at him. “Do I have something in...
Pyrubloppianquanozoxian
Geno pumped his fist in the air as he scanned the order details on his screen.
“Finally!”
Things had been dreadfully slow at the stone shop. It seemed all anybody wanted to buy these days were basic garden pavers or buckets of gravel. It’d gotten so bad that he’d been forced to lay off the Brustetta sisters last week. They were two of his oldest and most loyal employees, but he couldn’t afford to carry their salaries anymore. But an order like this could turn...
Folded Cretins
Maggie stood and allowed herself a moment to take in the room. For weeks she’d been a bundle of nerves, barely able to sleep or eat. But the wedding rehearsal went off without a hitch, and the banquet hall was beautifully decorated for the rehearsal dinner and filled with her favorite people in the world. Tomorrow she’d marry the love of her life, and all would be right in the world.
She raised her glass and waited a moment. The dull roar of conversations ceased, and all eyes...
Ten Goat Wife
Antonius had to control himself as he led his three goats down the dusty path. This was a joyous day, one he’d anticipated for months, and now that it was here, he found it difficult to contain his excitement. But he had business dealings with many in the village, and did not want to be seen as a fool, so he kept the grin from his lips and the skip from his step.
Soon, he saw his destination. A three-wide hut, roofed with the finest of thatching. It was one of the largest...
Ivan Paladrino
Keith swished the coffee around in his mouth, not finding the joy the hot morning drink usually brought him. He swallowed, then set his mug on the counter.
“I’ve taken all I can take, Angel. Today’s the day I make my move.”
A small, fur-covered being popped into existence on his shoulder. Her stringy, too-long wings drooped, not looking like they’d support her if she ever tried to take flight. Her lips were drawn in a thin line as she looked at Keith.
“Ivan Paladrino?” she...
Yikes McGee’s Theory of Infinite Trees
The nerdy speaker paused and ran his hand through his heavily gelled hair. A pompous smirk pulled at the edge of his lip, and he took the time to look across the entire ballroom before completing his sentence.
“...and that is how I know there aren’t just the trees that we can see. There are, in fact, infinite trees.”
As a woman of science, Sandra had never been so angry in her life, not just at the inane words of Yikes McGee, the keynote speaker, but...
A Horse with No Name
It was a Thursday when the horse showed up. Though his memory was fragmented, some lost to the blunt force trauma, some floating away in the sea of pain medication they’d pumped into his veins, Harv remembered at least that much. Thursday was the day he went thrifting with his favorite cousin. He was just stepping out of the coffee shop, an iced coffee for himself and a chai vanilla something or another for his cousin, when he saw the animal. Just standing there in the...
The Celestial Crumb
Mor-Del should’ve been watching the treeline for signs of their prey. If he and Shi-Bor weren’t successful on this hunt, the tribe would be in for a hungry 48 hours. The monthly rumbling was almost upon them, and they would all head underground into the shelters to ride it out. Hopefully with storechests full of fresh hurgan meat.
But by all the celestial gods, Mor-Del couldn’t keep his eyes off of Shi-Bor. He’d heard stories of hunting pairs that fell in love and became...
Dirty Dangler
Johnson Lo-Johnson “Lil’ Johnny” Jonbert beamed, prouder than he’d ever been in his entire life, as he stared at the bounty before him. Dirt. An entire truckbed of it. And every drop of it belonged to him.
“Where do you want us to dump it?” the driver asked.
Lil’ Johnny frowned. “Dump it” sounded like an uncivilized way to treat such a treasure. After taking a moment to sniff the air, he turned his head and leveled a squinty-eyed stare at the driver.
“You can UNLOAD it,...
Lord BC
Maximum Shred couldn’t wait any longer. He took a deep breath, then opened his eye the slightest bit, just enough to take a quick look around. Looming large above him was his creator. Maximum didn’t know the man’s name, but he knew that he owed his existence to him. He also knew that what they shared was highly uncommon. Art wasn’t supposed to come alive, at least not in the traditional sense. Yet here sat Maximum Shred, staring up at the man who drew him. For his part, the creator...
Daniel Spoonfingers
Jake wasn’t a man accustomed to begging, but it was all he had left to do.
“Please don’t do this. I’m pleading with you, Travis. Don’t do this to me.”
There was a pause, followed by a heavy sigh, before the man on the other end of the call responded.
“This isn’t me, Jake. It’s corporate. And their decision is final.”
“But why?” Jake whined.
“You’ve posted a loss five quarters in a row. Every other Soup or Swim location is raking in the profits, yet you can’t seem to...
The Heartland Wyld
Patches dashed forward, blade extended. The wind whistled as the sharpened edge cut through the air, giving off a ringing tone that sang of distant lands and unseen wonders. Just as it reached its intended target, there was an explosion of smoke, and the blade found nothing, slicing harmlessly through the smoke. A deep growl rumbled in Patches’ chest. He adjusted his stance, using his tail to balance as he sniffed the air for any sign of his prey.
“I thought they said you...
Putrid Pete
Shailene balled up her fists. She could feel her cheeks reddening as she stared at her husband.
“Tell me you did not do this,” she hissed.
“Oh I did it,” Drake said. “That girl thinks she’s ready to date? We’ll let her see how bad dating can be.”
He turned toward the stairs and yelled.
“Melissa, I told you to get dressed and get down here and I meant it!”
“I’m putting on my shoes, dad!” Missy yelled back.
Shailene grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him around.
“Explain...
Bloody Quentin
Lance was already dripping sweat and breathing heavily. It was a poor sign, as the hard work hadn’t even started. He slowed, eyes scanning the dark cemetery. On his two late-night visits scouting the place, this area stood out to him. Space sold for a premium in this upscale cemetery, and the graves were practically stacked on top of one another. Yet here stood a bizarre patch of empty ground, right in the heart of the place. It was perfect.
He stopped and dropped the handle...
The Dominion Engine and his Pinion Minions
“Yup, that’s your problem right there,” the mechanic said, staring at the engine.
Gabriel leaned closer, trying to see whatever this man had seen.
“You picked up a five-spur miscalibration in your sub-distributor cap that’s spread a lot of ashen crustings into your fuel efficacy bearings,” the mechanic said, pointing. “You see it?”
Even when squinting, all Gabriel saw was the same old engine that had kept his car going strong for the last six...
The Immaterial Man
Wilbur was in his mid-twenties when he first noticed the missing parts of himself. They were subtle and hidden, leaving him to wonder how long they’d been gone. By his thirties, the missing parts were more difficult to hide. The disappearance of his right arm drew questions from those close to him. Wilbur told them not to make a big deal of it, and when anyone pressed too hard, he’d either blow up on them or simply cut them out of his life. Not being bothered was his only...
Hunger Killer
Neal started to get out of the car, but paused when he realized his wife wasn’t moving.
“What is it?” he asked. “Don’t tell me-”
“I’m just not sure, okay?” Brittany shouted.
Neal sighed and slammed the car door. They were sitting outside of Gramma’s Cookhouse, one of their go-to restaurants.
“You’ve been talking about eating here all day,” Neal said, not trying to mask his frustration.
“And now I’m saying I’m not sure, Neal!”
It was the great pain point of their marriage....
Punctuality Pal
General Bob Bitwill groaned and grumbled under his breath as he was pulled from sleep. The screeching SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT SKRT of his alarm clock was set at an inhumane volume. Even so, he had some vague recollection of hearing that sound for a long time. He grabbed his phone from the nightstand and checked the time. It was 10:13 am. The alarm had been going off since 9 am, and his very important meeting at the Pentagon had...