Babyprinters LLC

  Was there a force stronger than curiosity? If it existed, Miriam had never encountered it. She was the opposite of adventurous. The two words that best described her were risk averse. But she’d walked past this nondescript storefront five hundred times, and every time she read the small letters on the door and she wondered. What does a company called Babyprinters do?

  Online searches returned nothing. Whoever they were, they weren’t listed. Did they make miniature printers? Miriam had enough issues working her full-sized printer; she had to imagine that a smaller one would jam even more. The only other explanation for the company name was too far-fetched to fathom. And yet…

  There was a difference between loneliness and feeling lonesome. She was a lonesome gal. Always had been. Tiny, often non-existent friend group. Brief, often non-existent dating life. A good book, a sugary coffee, and a soft blanket were her companions of choice at the end of the day, and while she often felt lonesome, that was okay with her. 

  But in the past months, loneliness crept in. It started when her sister in Venezuela had her THIRD child. And then the closest thing she had to a friend at work got engaged. Something was happening in Miriam’s heart that she did not like. She longed for the company of another. For the purpose she believed it might bring into her life. 

  So even though she walked past Babyprinters LLC on the way to work and on the way home from work for almost a year with only a tiny touch of curiosity, recently, it dominated her mind. If they made miniature printers, they’d have a website. That meant they did something else. 

  She stopped outside the building one day and gave herself permission to think the thoughts. These thoughts had been begging to pop into existence, and she usually denied them. But today, she was lonely, and so for today only, she decided to relent. As expected, her mind ran wild.

  If Babyprinters LLC actually printed babies, how did it work? Was it like a biological 3D printer that operated on stem cells and genetic coding?   

  If Babyprinters LLC actually printed babies, would Miriam want one? Until recently, she’d never considered having children. She didn’t even have a cat, and she most certainly didn’t have a dog. Why did she think a child would make sense in her life? 

  If Babyprinters LLC actually printed babies, could she afford to buy one? A lonesome life afforded her more disposable income than most people her age, but she’d heard that adopting a baby was crazy expensive. Surely printing one would be at least as much, if not more. Besides, even if she could afford it, it was insane to even consider doing it.

  She grabbed the door handle and pulled. There were no visible indicators that this place was in operation, and she’d expected to encounter a locked door. But it opened, and seeing no other logical course of action, she stepped inside. 

  Babyprinters LLC consisted of a single room. The walls were painted lavender, and a thick lavender carpet adorned the floor. The ceiling was blue. A woman a few years younger than Miriam sat at a lavender desk, twirling her hair as she read a book. Miriam recognized it. The book was the fourth entry in her third favorite series, and it told the epic tale of a woman who became a dragonrider despite being deathly allergic to dragons. 

  Sensing someone else in the room, the girl at the desk looked up. 

  “Whoa. A customer.” 

  Miriam’s cheeks flushed red, and she quickly shook her head.

  “No, not a customer, I think I was just-” 

  “I can’t hear you,” the woman said, interrupting.

  Forcing a smile, Miriam approached the desk. As she crossed the room, she noticed an industrial-style copier/printer along the back wall. It looked just like any other heavy-duty copier/printer she’d ever seen.  

  “Are you here to print a baby?” the woman asked. 

  Miriam rested her hands on the desk and struggled to come up with an explanation for why she was even there. She couldn’t be the first person to be curious about this place; she should just explain that she was walking by and wanted to poke her head in. Or she could lie and tell the girl that she was lost. Or that she was looking for a job and was hoping to drop off a resume. They were all good options. 

  “How much does it cost?” Miriam asked.

  “A hundred dollars. But you have to sign a waiver, and there are no refunds.” 

  Miriam narrowed her eyes. 

  “Is it… real?” 

  “Real as it gets.” 

  None of this made sense. 

  Miriam pulled out her debit card and clutched it tightly. 

  “If it’s real, why is it so cheap?” she asked. 

  “Because there’s no way to know what kind of baby you’re gonna get.”

  It wasn’t the answer she expected, and Miriam tilted her head. 

  “You mean what race it’s going to be?” 

  The girl laughed. 

  “No, I mean what species. I saw this thing spit out a baby whale once. That was a real sad afternoon, let me tell you. The guy that hired me, he said it printed a baby unicorn in January, but he’s big on lying, so I don’t know if that actually happened.” 

  Too much information at once made her want to run for the door. She took a moment and sifted through it all before responding. 

  “I want a human baby.” 

  The girl nodded. 

  “Most people do. Pay up and we’ll see if you’re lucky.” 

  This was lunacy. Obviously, this was a scam. The moment this girl ran her debit card, her identity would be stolen. She handed it over anyway.

  “Give me a minute to draw up the paperwork,” the girl said. 

  Miriam tried not to think too much while she waited. This was one of those situations that most definitely didn’t call for thinking. She pointed at the girl’s book. 

  “Good choice. I love that book,” Miriam said. 

  The girl lit up. 

  “Right?! It’s my fourth favorite series. My mom actually named me after the main character!”

  That caused a mental stumble, and Miriam’s mouth started moving before she was ready to speak. A moment later, she finally found her voice. 

  “The main character is named Scumra.” 

  The girl beamed. 

  “And so am I!”

  There really seemed nowhere to go from there in the conversation, so Miriam fell silent. When the paperwork was done, she signed it. 

  “Okay, follow me,” Scumra said. 

  Miriam followed her to the printer. 

  “See this green button?” Scumra asked. 

  Miriam nodded. 

  “Push it, and it will print your baby.” 

  It seemed a little too easy, but after coming this far, Miriam did as she was told and pressed the button. The printer whirred to life. It rattled and hummed, then a single sheet of paper dropped out. It settled onto the floor, and Miriam rushed over and knelt beside it. 

  It was a picture of a baby girl. An incredibly cute baby girl. A human baby girl. Miriam cried out and covered her mouth when she realized that the baby was wearing the same sweater that she was. How had the printer known to include that detail? 

  The room shook and a blinding light strobed from within the walls. Miriam’s vision went white. 

  “Scumra? What’s happening?” 

  The only answer was the cooing of a baby. When Miriam’s vision returned, she was staring down at a very real human baby. A tear slipped from her eye as she stared at it, completely stunned. 

  “A human. Nice,” Scumra said. 

  Miriam glanced over at her and smiled. 

  “And she looks just like me, too,” Miriam said, overcome with emotion. 

  Scumra walked over and crouched, looking from the baby to Miriam, then back at the baby.

  “This might be bad,” Scumra muttered. She pointed at Miriam. “Don’t touch it yet, I need to check something.” 

  Scumra went to the desk and started digging through a drawer. Miriam barely noticed, focused completely on the baby. It shoved its fingers in its mouth and slobber dribbled out. It was the cutest thing Miriam had ever witnessed. 

  “Try not to breathe this in,” Scumra said, returning with an aerosol can. 

  A thick spray shot out. She doused the baby with it, continuing until a cloud of the stuff obscured the little tike from view. 

  Miriam saw movement within the cloud. A full-grown person. They stood and stepped forward, and Miriam’s jaw dropped. 

  It was her. Not like her offspring, or a similar-looking relative. It was an exact replica. 

  “That is definitely not allowed,” Scumra said. 

  The new Miriam punched Scumra in the face. The poor girl went down hard. 

  New Miriam locked eyes with Real Miriam and sneered. Despite looking like she was in her late twenties, she still had a mouth full of baby teeth.

  “Are you… are you me?” Real Miriam asked. 

  “Bloody pellets! Spoiled meats!” New Miriam screeched. 

  Her words raised a lot of questions, but Real Miriam had no time to ask them. New Miriam dove onto her, pinning her to the floor. The crazed being wrapped her hands around Real Miriam’s neck and squeezed.   

  Was there a force stupider than curiosity? If it existed, Miriam had never encountered it. Curiosity had led her here, to a bizarre and meaningless death. She kicked her feet, tried to scratch and claw, but New Miriam was too strong. Too crazed. 

  “Ech… urk…pleh…” Real Miriam wheezed, trying to reason with the beast. 

  Her half-formed words fell on uncaring ears. New Miriam squeezed harder, and death drew near. 

  A cloud of spray hit New Miriam from behind. Scumra went running by, moving with the grace and dexterity of the dragonrider for which she was named, spraying the aerosol can as she passed. 

  New Miriam rapidly aged. Into her thirties, and then forties. Wrinkles started to appear. In the fifties, her hair thinned and her grip weakened. She hit the sixties and developed a bit of a hunch, and many more wrinkles. She could no longer squeeze hard enough to make the choke effective. The aging continued, and Real Miriam had a front-row seat to her entire existence as the woman on top of her raced through the cycles of life. The skin drooped, the wrinkles deepened. New Miriam became ancient, fragile, and bony. 

  Then she exploded. 

  An entire human’s worth of blood and gore splashed onto Real Miriam, soaking her completely. She just lay there for a long moment, thankful to be alive, but also really, really horrified over the sequence of events that just transpired. 

  “That was worse than the baby whale,” Scumra said, shaking her head. 

  Miriam got to her feet, dripping crimson. It was in her nostrils and in her ears. It was everywhere. 

  “Do you want to pay another hundred and try again?”

  Thankful as she was that Scumra had saved her life, Miriam gave the girl a withering glare. 

  “Absolutely not. I’m going to do what I normally do when I’m feeling lonely. I’m going to go spend too much money at the bookstore, then buy an oversized coffee filled with sugar.” 

  “Want some company?” Scumra asked. “I’m salaried, so I still get paid even if I’m not here.” 

  Miriam couldn’t remember the last time she’d gone shopping with a friend. It was a pleasant idea, and she smiled and nodded.

  “I should probably go home and change first,” she said.

  Scumra nodded. 

  “Yeah, you reek, girl.”