Danicka Whalebutton

  Gary stared at the napkin, his heart pounding. For almost thirty minutes he’d sat and stared, unable to bring himself to call the number. He tried to convince himself that getting the number was enough. After almost a decade of being a shut-in, he’d made the decision to improve his life. He knew there was more out there for him, if only he was willing to go after it. But Gary was a fearful guy and prone to giving up on himself, so he started small. The first goal was to force himself to leave the apartment twice a week. It took him six months to master that. Up next, he had to introduce himself to a stranger once a month. In the first three months, he’d failed the goal. But he kept trying, and he was up to five strangers now. None compared to the most recent one. 

  The alluring, mysterious, Danicka Whalebutton. 

  He saw her sitting alone in the back of the coffee shop two days ago. She was gorgeous, but in a way that felt really dangerous. She was usually the kind of woman that Gary would run from, but something had seized him in that moment, and he went for it. He approached her table, a bumbling mess of sweat and nerves, and introduced himself. She told him she was on her way out, but when he awkwardly asked for her number, she wrote it along with her name on the napkin before rushing away. 

  And now he sat, staring at it. Could he really become the kind of guy who approached women and called them? Would someone as amazing as Danicka Whalebutton actually want to go on a date with him? There was only one way to find out. He took a deep breath, then dialed the number. Someone answered on the first ring. 

  “Congratulations, you’ve reached KKP 107.8, and you are the lucky tenth caller,” an excited voice said. “Tell us the secret phrase of the day and you’ll win the grand prize.” 

  His shoulders sagged. Danicka Whalebutton had given him a fake number. He was beginning to doubt that Danicka Whalebutton was even her real name.

  “Sorry, I dialed the wrong number,” Gary muttered. 

  He was about to hang up when he heard several people cheer on the other end of the line. 

  “That’s correct! You just won two front row tickets to see the Buttressed Monarchs live in concert!”

  Gary sat there for a moment, stunned. 

  “They’re my favorite band,” he said. 

  “Well, hot diggity dog, that’s great!” the DJ howled. “Come by the station and pick up your tickets!” 

  With nothing else going on, Gary headed out into the night to collect the tickets. It didn’t feel good getting bamboozled by Danicka Whalebutton, but lucking into concert tickets for his favorite band was a nice consolation prize. The radio station was located in a skyscraper downtown. This time of night, the place was almost entirely empty. The security guard at the desk was expecting him, and pointed him to the elevators. When he arrived at the fifth floor, the DJ motioned him into the booth. 

  “Hey, Gary, I’m Mike. Congrats.” 

  Gary shook his hand and took the tickets. 

  “Thanks, Mike. I’m thrilled. I’m actually going to take my dad, he’s a massive fan.” 

  Mike raised his eyebrows. 

  “Really? So is my dad. Old dudes love the Buttressed Monarchs, I guess.” 

  Gary chuckled. 

  “Yeah, his friends call him Buttressed Harvey because he’s such a hardcore fan,” Gary said. 

  All of a sudden, Mike stopped smiling. 

  “What’s his last name?” 

  “Harvey Tunuck.” 

  Mike shook his head. 

  “I don’t understand. Harvey Tunuck is my dad’s name,” Mike said.

  An hour later, after a phone call with Harvey Tunuck, some tough revelations, and a lot of tears, Gary made his way back to the elevator with a new half-brother in his life. They had plans to get waffles next week. 

  Stepping into the elevator, Gary realized it was going up, not down. Someone had pressed the top-floor button. He rode in silence, and when the doors finally opened, two burly men with guns pulled him out of the elevator. 

  “What is the meaning of-” 

  They silenced him with angry glares and led him to a darkened conference room. Two duffel bags stuffed with cash were sitting on the table, and shadowy men in black suits lined the far side of the table.

  “I think you-” Gary started to speak. 

  “No more games. You say a single word and you’re dead,” one of them said. “You take this money, go your way, and our business is finished. You never speak of what you know, and we never speak of what we know.” 

  Gary stared at them for a long time. He was perspiring heavily. Seeing no other available option, he grabbed the two duffel bags. They were incredibly heavy, but he managed to slide them off the table. No one seemed opposed to the situation so far, so he just left. It wasn’t until he was back in the elevator with the money that any of it even felt real. 

  Carrying the millions of dollars, he exited back out onto the street. A column of light shot from the sky, and an instant later, he was standing in an all-chrome room, surrounded by bulbous green creatures with giant, curious eyes. 

  “You Gary?” one of them asked. 

  “Yes?” 

  “You’ve been chosen for an intergalactic tour. From time to time we like to show humans how amazing the galaxy is.” 

  Looking around, he realized he was on a spacecraft. It was like all of his nerd dreams come true. 

  “Can I fly the ship?” he asked. 

  “Sure,” they said, leading him to the controls. 

  Gary pressed a few buttons, and the ship zoomed into motion. As he watched the wonders of the galaxy zip by, he had to admit, it was really turning out to be a heck of a day.