Ivan Paladrino

  Keith swished the coffee around in his mouth, not finding the joy the hot morning drink usually brought him. He swallowed, then set his mug on the counter. 

  “I’ve taken all I can take, Angel. Today’s the day I make my move.” 

  A small, fur-covered being popped into existence on his shoulder. Her stringy, too-long wings drooped, not looking like they’d support her if she ever tried to take flight. Her lips were drawn in a thin line as she looked at Keith. 

  “Ivan Paladrino?” she asked. 

  Sighing heavily, Keith nodded. 

  “He’s on the schedule again.” 

  Angel perked up and stood, walking down Keith’s shoulder until she was next to his head. 

  “Call in sick!” she said. “We can pick up donuts, then go sit at that parking lot you love.” 

  Keith gave her a sideways look. 

  “YOU love the parking lot.”

  Angel covered her mouth and giggled.

  “I really do.” 

  A slight smile slid across Keith’s lips as he watched her, but a moment later it was gone. He shook his head. 

  “I can’t call in. I’ve used up all my sick days and unless I have a legitimate excuse, they’re not going to let me miss my shift.” 

  “Blame it on the bean counters up in Washington!” Angel said, throwing up her arms.

  “Blame it on the… Angel, I’m a windshield wiper salesman! IN FLORIDA! The ‘bean counters’ up in Washington have nothing to do with my job!”

  She sat down, looking deflated. 

  “I have a bad feeling about this, Keith. If you go in and confront Paladrino, I don’t think you’ll like what happens.” 

  He thought about her words for a moment, then picked up his coffee mug and dumped it into the sink. 

  “Yeah, well, I guess we’re going to find out.” 

  Angel gave him a sad stare, then blinked out of existence. She’d never explained where she went when she wasn’t on his shoulder, but then again, Keith had never thought to ask. He drove to work in silence, already stewing over what he knew awaited him. The large Wiper World signs greeted him as he pulled into the employee parking lot. He still wasn’t sure how a business that sold only windshield wipers stayed afloat, but with hundreds of locations nationwide, it seemed Wiper World was doing just fine. 

  Heading inside, Keith hadn’t even finished clocking in when he caught a glimpse of that familiar purple bronco coming into the front parking lot. He growled under his breath as he watched it pull into the closest parking spot. 

  “How about you let me handle Paladrino today?” 

  Keith turned to see his boss, Mr. Wipersley. The man was impossibly wide and possessed one of the more unruly mustaches that had ever existed, but despite his tendency to toe the corporate line, he was a good boss. Anytime he could show fairness to his employees, like this moment here, he did it. But Keith was stubborn, and his mind was made up. 

  “No,” he said. “Paladrino is my customer. I’ll handle him.” 

  Without waiting for a response from Mr. Wipersley, Keith walked away. He scooped up some sample windshield wipers off a desk, then went out the front door. The bottoms of his dress shoes clicked rhythmically against the parking lot as he approached the bronco. The door popped open, and Ivan Paladrino stepped out. Just the sight of him made Keith’s blood boil. Paladrino always wore the exact same outfit. A blue button-up dress shirt tucked into a pair of khaki pants that were about five inches too long, the ends of them hanging below his shoes and getting dirty and tattered as they dragged along the ground. He had a tall, thin face and wore a pair of glasses frames with no lenses. 

  “Ah, Mister Keith. It is well to see you again, sir,” Ivan said. 

  “Can it, Paladrino,” Keith snapped. “You here to make a purchase or just waste more of my time?” 

  Ivan squeezed his eyes shut and tilted his head, something he did anytime he was thinking. Taking advantage of the momentary break in the interaction, Angel popped into existence on Keith’s shoulder. 

  “Take it easy,” she hissed. 

  Keith shooed her away, and with a humph she disappeared. 

  “I’d like to see how the wipers would look on my vehicle,” Ivan said, opening his eyes. 

  “Again?” Keith asked through clenched teeth. 

  The man just nodded, and after taking a moment to calm himself, Keith stepped forward. He raised a single finger. 

  “I’m not doing this whole song and dance with you today, Ivan. I’ll put on one.” 

  The man looked displeased, but didn’t offer any argument. Keith stepped past him and quickly detached the existing windshield wiper, then replaced it with one of the samples he’d brought with him. With the sample in place, he stepped back, clutching the old wiper in his hand. 

  “For the tenth time, there it is,” he said. 

  Ivan leaned so close that his nose was almost rubbing against the windshield wiper. He scrutinized every centimeter of it. The longer his inspection lasted, the angrier Keith grew. He’d wasted hours on this indecisive man, all to hopefully sell a pair of thirty-dollar wipers that would net Keith a commission of sixty cents. As minutes passed, he gripped the wiper so tightly that it began to cause a throbbing pain. 

  “Chill out, Keith,” Angel whispered, appearing again on his shoulder. 

  Ivan clicked his tongue, then shook his head. 

  “I think I’m going to need to take some more time and consider-” 

  No. Keith had heard this spiel one too many times. He would suffer Ivan Paladrino no more. He stepped forward and whipped the man across the face with the windshield wiper. Ivan cried out and recoiled, a red line on his face. He touched the wound, eyes wide with shock. 

  “You animal! How could you-” 

  Keith roared and charged. He dropped the windshield wiper and threw all of his weight forward, barreling into Ivan’s thin frame and tackling him to the pavement. Not naturally violent, Keith straddled Ivan and began slapping him across the face as hard as he could. First came the left hand, then the right, a savage attack. While not as devastating as a closed fist, the strikes were stiff and relentless. 

  “Stop it!” Angel yelled, pulling on Keith’s ear. “Before it’s too late!” 

  Exerting much more force than she was permitted to do in the human realm, Angel wrenched backward and tore Keith away from his victim. Keith tumbled onto his back, then rolled over onto his belly. Angel’s wings extended, and a brilliant white flame engulfed them. She rose up into the air, then zipped over to Ivan. 

  “Mr. Paladrino, please don’t do anything rash. Keith is under a lot of stress, he didn’t mean to hurt you. He’d never do this, normally.” Her words came in a breathless, desperate rush. 

  Ivan sat up and stared at her. For a moment, hope sprang to life in her heart. But then Ivan’s red and bloodied face twisted into a snarl. He swatted her out of the air, spiking her into the concrete. She cried out, tumbling to a stop near Keith. The white flames along her wings went out, and she groaned.

  Sitting up, Keith gingerly collected her off the ground and held her in the palm of his hand. 

  “What have I done?” he asked, tears filling his eyes as he stared down at her battered form. 

  A strange beeping sound drew his attention, and he looked up just as the skin along Ivan’s arm began to melt away. A stomach-turning stench filled the air, a mix of burnt hair and animal feces, as Ivan’s flesh dripped into a sizzling pile on the pavement. A gnarled, purple appendage was now visible where his arm had been a moment before. Ivan tapped it, and a small holographic display appeared along its surface.  

  “Come in, Admiral Vongxo. Emergency! Come in!” Ivan said. 

  An image appeared on the display. A purple monstrosity, skin like half-melted leather and a mouth filled with curved, razor-like teeth. 

  “What is it, Paladrino?” 

  “You were right, sir. The humans are violent and impatient. Initiate battle plan omega!” Ivan said. 

  Admiral Vongxo smiled and nodded. 

  “At last!”

  A deafening whine filled the air, followed by a boom that shook the earth. It was as if the sky were tearing itself to shreds as a shimmering shape slowly took on solid form in the air. It was so large that it blocked out the sun, plunging Wiper World and the entire state into darkness. Higher in the atmosphere, more of the ships started to shimmer into existence. An invasion force.

  “This can’t be,” Keith muttered.

  A giant tongue unfurled from one edge of the ship, drooping all the way down to the ground. It scraped across the pavement until it reached Ivan, pulling him up onto it before rapidly retreating into the sky. 

  “No commission for you, Keithy-boy!” Ivan bellowed as he rapidly ascended. 

  As soon as the tongue returned Ivan safely aboard, the ship opened fire. Gargantuan plasma cannons extended from all across the ship’s surface, firing globs of white-hot energy at the planet below. 

  The last thing Keith thought about as the plasma blasts incinerated the earth was how nice it would’ve been to spend the morning hanging out with Angel in that parking lot.